


To the quiet town we go

by swshawnee



Category: VIXX
Genre: Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Online Romance, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 04:23:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4377086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swshawnee/pseuds/swshawnee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He pulls at his sleeve, nervous to meet the only person he has ever felt something for in his entire life. The sleeve slides down over his hand, but it is pointless, for the blood he wants to hide has long since been washed away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To the quiet town we go

[17:04:28] jaehwany0406: i hate this city

[17:04:30] jaehwany0406: i hate it

[17:04:43] AceRavi: Tell me about it

[17:04:49] jaehwany0406: i hate that nothing is open past 6pm

[17:04:57] jaehwany0406: i hate that the only place to go are parks and playgrounds for kids

[17:05:05] jaehwany0406: i hate that my friends insist on going there all the time

[17:05:13] jaehwany0406: and i hate that i feel like the antichrist whenever a kid walks by

[17:05:19] jaehwany0406: because they don't dare go on the playground when we're there

[17:05:31] AceRavi: Bad day?

[17:05:36] jaehwany0406: it will be.

[17:05:50] jaehwany0406: but no. the city doesn't suck because i'm having a bad day

[17:05:54] jaehwany0406: it's the other way around

[17:06:13] AceRavi: I get it. I thought it was slightly better for you guys on the north side though

[17:06:20] jaehwany0406: it's not

[17:06:27] jaehwany0406: it's probably better for u southern kids

[17:06:34] jaehwany0406: at least you have the south mountain

[17:06:49] AceRavi: Yeah. Neglected paths you can't even follow and the world's dirtiest BBQ spot

[17:06:55] AceRavi: I'd think even the north mountain would be more fun

[17:08:02] jaehwany0406: nah

[17:08:08] jaehwany0406: all the north mountain has are hotels

[17:08:20] jaehwany0406: not like u ever go stay in a hotel in your hometown

[17:08:41] AceRavi: True

[17:10:03] jaehwany0406: uuuuuugggggghhhhhhh i want to go somewhere

[17:10:38] AceRavi: So go

[17:10:45] jaehwany0406: but money

[17:10:59] AceRavi: So start saving

[17:11:06] jaehwany0406: don't u use logic on me

[17:11:11] jaehwany0406: u know it makes me cry

[17:11:28] AceRavi: Sorry

[17:11:23] AceRavi: No more logic, I promise

[17:11:33] jaehwany0406: thanks

[17:12:02] AceRavi: So what makes you say it'll be a bad day?

[17:12:10] AceRavi: Bad plans?

[17:12:33] jaehwany0406: yeah

[17:12:37] jaehwany0406: roaming around town as usual

[17:12:39] jaehwany0406: ugh

[17:12:48] AceRavi: Drinking?

[17:12:55] jaehwany0406: yeah

[17:12:57] jaehwany0406: ugh x2

[17:13:09] AceRavi: If you don't want to go, you shouldn't

[17:13:25] jaehwany0406: but i do

[17:13:30] AceRavi: No, you don't

[17:13:33] jaehwany0406: yes i do

[17:13:41] jaehwany0406: cause if i don't i'll have to be here at home with my parents

[17:13:45] jaehwany0406: which is not an option

[17:13:49] jaehwany0406: and there's nothing else to do

[17:13:50] jaehwany0406: so

[17:14:03] AceRavi: I hear you

[17:14:14] AceRavi: Well, maybe it'll be fun for once

[17:14:21] AceRavi: Didn't you say that once the alcohol kicks in you usually enjoy yourself?

[17:14:28] jaehwany0406: ”not bored” doesn't equal ”fun”

[17:14:32] jaehwany0406: but yeah maybe

[17:14:37] jaehwany0406: maybe if i get so drunk i forget what ”fun” means

[17:14:50] AceRavi: Wouldn't be the first time

[17:15:01] jaehwany0406: it's how u survive in this city

[17:15:10] AceRavi: Pretty much

[17:15:47] jaehwany0406: so how about u? any plans for tonight?

[17:15:54] jaehwany0406: friday night u know wooohoooo

[17:16:04] AceRavi: lol yeah, right

[17:16:06] AceRavi: Nah

[17:16:09] AceRavi: The usual

[17:16:14] AceRavi: Going to stay in and draw

[17:16:21] AceRavi: Hope my dad doesn't suddenly remember my existence

[17:16:30] jaehwany0406: oh

[17:16:31] jaehwany0406: yeah

[17:16:34] jaehwany0406: that sounds..

[17:16:41] AceRavi: Like every week, I know

[17:16:44] AceRavi: Wild

[17:16:56] jaehwany0406: i mean

[17:16:59] jaehwany0406: i think it sounds awesome

[17:17:04] jaehwany0406: i want to stay in and draw too

[17:17:09] AceRavi: So do that

[17:17:13] AceRavi: It's up to you, you know

[17:17:28] jaehwany0406: actually it isn't

[17:17:35] AceRavi: It is

[17:17:54] jaehwany0406: are u still working on the tree/human/monster thingy

[17:17:56] jaehwany0406: or are u done with that?

[17:17:59] jaehwany0406: cause i wanna see it if so

[17:18:18] AceRavi: Oh, uh

[17:18:25] AceRavi: No, it's.. not done yet

[17:18:29] AceRavi: How about you, are you working on anything?

[17:18:37] jaehwany0406: no

[17:18:44] jaehwany0406: haven't had time recently

[17:18:51] AceRavi: No wonder

[17:18:58] jaehwany0406: what?

[17:19:04] AceRavi: Since you're always out doing stuff you don't want to

[17:19:19] jaehwany0406: well

[17:19:20] jaehwany0406: yeah

[17:19:22] jaehwany0406: sue me

[17:19:37] AceRavi: Nah

[17:19:42] AceRavi: I know it's to avoid your homophobic, racist parents

[17:19:48] AceRavi: So I'm on your side

[17:22:32] jaehwany0406: ffs sandeul keeps calling

[17:22:35] jaehwany0406: i think i have to go

[17:22:42] jaehwany0406: god if i could just for one day be someone else

[17:22:53] AceRavi: Wanna switch lives?

[17:23:03] jaehwany0406: um yeah please

[17:23:06] jaehwany0406: or idk

[17:23:24] jaehwany0406: if i'm u, that means the only person who's on my side is gone

[17:23:48] AceRavi: No, cause I'd be you

[17:23:55] AceRavi: And you're on my side, too, aren't you?

[17:24:11] jaehwany0406: yeah

[17:24:14] jaehwany0406: of course

[17:24:17] jaehwany0406: i guess ur right

[17:24:28] AceRavi: Regardless, we'd always have each other

[17:24:43] jaehwany0406: and that's all we'll ever have

[17:24:50] AceRavi: We could do a lot worse

[17:24:54] AceRavi: But I want to meet you

[17:24:58] AceRavi: Even if it's just once

[17:25:03] AceRavi: Even if we end up in a playground up north

[17:25:09] AceRavi: And you turn into the antichrist

[17:26:16] jaehwany0406: i want that too

[17:26:17] jaehwany0406: i think

[17:26:20] jaehwany0406: but i have to go

[17:26:22] jaehwany0406: sandeul is here

[17:26:28] jaehwany0406: fuck and i think that's kyungri's car

[17:26:33] AceRavi: Oh, alright

[17:26:34] AceRavi: Go

[17:26:56] jaehwany0406: jesus wonshik save me

[17:27:03] AceRavi: You'll be fine

[17:27:06] AceRavi: Now go

[17:27:12] AceRavi: Don't keep them waiting

[17:27:48] jaehwany0406: don't pick up if i call u tonight

[17:27:49] jaehwany0406: bye

[17:27:55] jaehwany0406 _is offline._

[17:28:06] AceRavi: As if I could ever deny you anything

 

 

 

 

 

 

__  
  


”Jaehwan!”

Sandeul comes stumbling towards him through the sand. The air was clear and peaceful a moment ago, but now the sunset appears to lose its glow.

”Yeah.”

Sandeul's slithers a sweaty around his neck, and he settles half on top of Jaehwan's lap. The swing he sits on sways from side to side, dangerous to Sandeul's current state. ”Can I have one of your beers?” the boy breathes, and Jaehwan turns away from his alcoholic breath. ”I'll give you one back next time, I promise.”

Jaehwan is tempted to tell him he's had enough, but instead he nods towards the cooler by the foot of the swing set. ”Knock yourself out.” Literally, please.

”Thanks, man,” Sandeul slurs, getting up immediately. ”I owe you one.”

”Don't you want to play?” Sandeul asks, beer in his hand. There's a drunken game of badminton going on in the sand, even though they don't have a net. They don't have enough badminton rackets, either, so some of them are playing with tennis rackets. Just looking at them jumping and running around makes Jaehwan exhausted.

”No. But give me another beer while you're at it, will you?”

Sandeul's focus is locked on the people playing, and it takes him a moment before he realizes what Jaehwan just said. When he does, he drags himself back to Jaehwan and hands him the beer he took for himself, but his gaze never leaves their friends and their game. More specifically, his eyes never leave Kyungri. As he sits down on the swing beside Jaehwan's, apparently having forgotten about the beer, the longing in his eyes is so ironic that it makes Jaehwan want to kick some sense back into him.

The silence between them is less noticeable with the way their friends are yelling and screaming, both in victory and frustration, and Jaehwan is thankful. He's thankful for every second that passes when he doesn't have to act, doesn't have to speak, doesn't have to act like he is at all alive. And since Sandeul is already engaging in shameless staring, he supposes it's okay for him to do the same.

From what he can see, Kyungri is beautiful. She's tall, her eyes are thin but sharp, and she's good at badminton – not that that matters. Plus, it's not obvious with the way she's playing this game to crush her competitors, but Jaehwan knows she's kind. One of the kindest people he has ever encountered in this city. Sometimes when Jaehwan talks to her, they _almost_ touch on real subject, about real things.

There is no questioning why Sandeul likes her.

The sun is setting. One swing of a tennis racket sends the shuttlecock flying in a high bow, much too far to the right, and the low thud with which it lands on the roof of the gazebo is drowned out by the angry yells of Jaehwan's friends. That's their only shuttlecock, and if it's gone, they can't play.

Jaehwan doesn't care, but Kyungri does. And Kyungsoo. Hani, too. Judging by the sound of their voices, so does Amber, Baekhyun and Hyuna, and suddenly everybody is shouting, trying to decide who should have to climb up on the gazebo, which in fairness _is_ rather tall.

”Why is it so scary,” Sandeul says then, ”to approach somebody?”

Jaehwan takes a swing out of his bottle. He pretends he doesn't know what the other is talking about, but he still doesn't want to ask. If Sandeul thinks he doesn't know, Jaehwan can't be blamed for betraying confidences in the future.

”I don't know.”

”I mean, if you like somebody, shouldn't you _want_ to talk to her?” Sandeul drones on. ”Shouldn't all the scary stuff fall away and leave you feeling... I don't know, good, somehow?”

Jaehwan sighs, doesn't bother to hide it. ”I don't think that's how it works.”

”No,” Sandeul agrees. ”I mean, I know it isn't. But it should.”

It's in moments like this that Jaehwan sees how immature the other is. On normal days, when they're around other people, all he understands about his friend is the front he's trying to put up; the person he pretends to be. But then there are moments like these, where he shows Jaehwan his insecurities. It's supposed to be touching, that Sandeul is that comfortable around him, but Jaehwan wishes he would stop. It's pitiful.

But then again, Jaehwan probably isn't the right person to say anything about that.

”You just have to go for it,” he says. ”Stop overthinking it. Otherwise you're just creating problems where there were none.” He throws a glance at the other, who nods, seemingly deep in thought. About what, even? Jaehwan wonders. It's not like Sandeul knows anything about frightening love, where there's more to lose than just ”the person I like might not like me back”. He never will. And Jaehwan is not about to tell him.

”Yeah,” Sandeul breathes. ”Go for it.” He drinks in silence.

Kyungri and Kyungsoo, brother and sister with a remarkable height difference, are about to start beating each other over the head with their rackets, so Jaehwan gets up, brushes himself off and shoves his bottle down into the sand. He walks over to the gazebo, because he'd rather fall to his death while climbing a building than keep their conversation going for a minute longer.

When he walks over to the others, the sibling fight breaks up immediately. Kyungri faces him with knowing eyes. ”Chill,” Jaehwan says regardless. ”I'll climb the damn thing, so don't kill your little brother.” Kyungsoo looks offended at being called the little brother, despite being three years younger than his sister, but he lowers his racket all the same.

Kyungri flashes him a warm smile, her eyes scanning him knowingly. He finds he doesn't mind much. ”Ooh, Jaehwan,” she says, playful tone in her voice. ”Thank god there's at least one guy here with some actual balls.” She squints at her brother.

”Oh, for fuck's sake,” Kyungsoo groans. ”Don't hit on people in front of me. I'm going to throw up.” His racket hits the sand with a muffled clang, and then he walks away, leaving the two of them standing next to each other. Jaehwan can't find it in him to be embarrassed. It's possible he's too drunk.

They move over to the gazebo in silence. ”Help me up, will you?” Jaehwan requests, and when Kyungri nods, it's with a confidence that cuts through the tension between them. She gets down on one knee, linking her hands together to create a step. Jaehwan places his foot in her hands, and with combined powers they push him up on the railing. While he climbs onto the roof, she keeps her hands on his sides, presumable to steady him. He doesn't know how it's supposed to help him, but it does. Somehow.

Once he has reclaimed the shuttlecock and slid back down the roof, and Kyungri has guided his feet back onto the railing, he jumps back down into the sand, his breath knocked out of his lungs. He masks it by throwing the shuttlecock up in the air, directing Kyungri's attention elsewhere as she catches it.

”Yay,” she chimes, her hands on his shoulders now as if catching him when he's already on the ground. For a moment she seems to forget that they're among friends – that _they_ are friends, but then she averts her eyes, brushing off his shoulders to justify her hands.

”There's enough cock for everyone now,” Jaehwan says, gesturing towards the object pressed between her hand and his shoulder, and she laughs, bright and ringing.

”Thank god. What would we do without it?”

Jaehwan laughs, too, because he's not stupid. He knows he isn't unattractive, knows he isn't stupid, knows he cracks a lot of awkward jokes to not have to talk about anything of importance. Add to that the fact that he's among the popular crowd in school, and the fact that Kyungri likes him is obvious, staring him in the face.

It's comforting, though it's unfamiliar. Because this is Jaehwan's one and only chance to be normal.

That is, he might have, if he didn't feel Sandeul's eyes burning holes in his back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[12:19:24] AceRavi: Good morning

[12:46:32] jaehwany0406: mluuuughghhhhhhh

[12:48:12] AceRavi: lol

[12:48:17] AceRavi: Rough night?

[12:49:34] jaehwany0406: uuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

[12:49:41] AceRavi: I see

[12:49:55] AceRavi: Well, did you have fun?

[12:50:07] jaehwany0406: i have absolutely no idea

[12:50:09] jaehwany0406: i hope so

[12:50:14] jaehwany0406: i mean i remember what we did

[12:50:21] jaehwany0406: just can't remember how i felt about it exactly

[12:50:33] AceRavi: Oh

[12:50:38] AceRavi: Well, that's a relief

[12:50:52] AceRavi: At least you know you didn't get anyone pregnant or anything.

[12:51:13] jaehwany0406: heh

[12:51:24] jaehwany0406: i wish that was even an option for me

[12:51:47] AceRavi: Right.

[12:52:31] jaehwany0406: so how was ur night?

[12:52:40] AceRavi: Oh, you know

[12:52:44] jaehwany0406: wild?

[12:52:50] AceRavi: Very.

[12:53:03] jaehwany0406: what did u do

[12:53:22] AceRavi: Stayed in, drew some

[12:53:28] AceRavi: Until I got interrupted, of course.

[12:53:39] jaehwany0406: ur dad?

[12:53:58] AceRavi: Yes

[12:54:03] jaehwany0406: are u ok?

[12:54:30] AceRavi: I'm fine

[12:54:36] AceRavi: I mean I hate him so much it scares me

[12:54:45] AceRavi: And I got a split lip as reward for how hard I try to keep it all inside

[12:54:48] AceRavi: But I'm fine.

[12:55:01] jaehwany0406: u sure?

[12:55:40] AceRavi: Not really I guess

[12:55:42] AceRavi: But I'm alive

[12:55:46] AceRavi: It's not like it's the first time so

[12:55:50] AceRavi: Doesn't matter

[12:55:55] jaehwany0406: it matters

[12:56:04] jaehwany0406: what happened? why did he do it this time?

[12:56:15] AceRavi: Because he's a fucking psycho?

[12:56:27] AceRavi: No. I accidentally woke him up when he was sleeping on the couch

[12:56:36] AceRavi: That's enough to make me ”useless”, apparently.

[12:56:39] AceRavi: So yeah

[12:56:49] jaehwany0406: u need to get out of there

[12:56:57] AceRavi: So I keep saying

[12:57:06] jaehwany0406: i'm serious

[12:57:08] jaehwany0406: leave

[12:57:10] jaehwany0406: please leave

[12:57:28] AceRavi: You need money for stuff like that

[12:57:34] AceRavi: Plus I have a whole year left until I'm 18

[12:57:39] jaehwany0406: fuck that

[12:57:47] jaehwany0406: u deserve a life u can actually live

[12:58:02] AceRavi: Thanks, but it's more complicated than that

[12:58:09] AceRavi: You would know.

[12:58:25] jaehwany0406: it's not exactly the same thing

[12:58:31] jaehwany0406: i'm fine like this

[12:58:40] AceRavi: So you keep saying

[12:58:47] jaehwany0406: it's true

[12:58:53] AceRavi: I really don't believe that

[12:59:04] jaehwany0406: either way it's not like i'm in any immediate physical danger

[12:59:05] jaehwany0406: like u

[12:59:06] jaehwany0406: so

[12:59:09] jaehwany0406: whatever man

[12:59:18] AceRavi: Not for the moment, no

[13:02:21] AceRavi: Sorry.

[13:02:30] AceRavi: This probably doesn't help your hang-over, huh

[13:02:49] jaehwany0406: well i'm not exactly rolling in puppies but

[13:02:59] jaehwany0406: i want to help u.. that's all

[13:03:24] AceRavi: For now, there's nothing you can do

[13:03:33] jaehwany0406: want me to kill him for u?

[13:03:40] AceRavi: Ha, yeah. Please

[13:03:47] AceRavi: No, I'd rather do it myself in that case.

[13:03:53] AceRavi: So tell me about last night

[13:04:02] jaehwany0406: hmm

[13:04:10] jaehwany0406: i think kyungri likes me... and i think sandeul likes kyungri

[13:04:21] jaehwany0406: actually, i don't think, i know

[13:04:34] AceRavi: Oh

[13:04:39] AceRavi: Sounds complicated

[13:04:44] jaehwany0406: yeah

[13:04:57] AceRavi: So how do you feel about all of that? What are you going to do?

[13:05:08] jaehwany0406: what can i do

[13:05:13] jaehwany0406: kyungri likes me

[13:05:20] jaehwany0406: someone who isn't a complete idiot finally likes me

[13:05:24] jaehwany0406: it's like christmas

[13:05:48] AceRavi: So... you like her?

[13:06:06] jaehwany0406: sure

[13:06:11] jaehwany0406: she's not too bad

[13:07:02] AceRavi: ...I hope you hear how that sounds

[13:07:12] jaehwany0406: u know what i mean

[13:07:34] AceRavi: Hmm... Yes.

[13:07:59] AceRavi: I know that you're a closeted gay boy who is forbidden to even mention his orientation to anyone, or he will be thrown out of his house

[13:08:24] AceRavi: And you finding a girl who likes you, and isn't completely obnoxious, will help you to keep your heterosexual image up in front of your parents

[13:08:28] AceRavi: That's what I think you mean.

[13:10:01] jaehwany0406: well

[13:10:10] jaehwany0406: ur point being?

[13:10:44] AceRavi: Jaehwan.

[13:10:50] jaehwany0406: don't lecture me please

[13:10:59] AceRavi: But do you think it's right to do that to her?

[13:11:07] jaehwany0406: do what? be her boyfriend and return her feelings?

[13:11:15] jaehwany0406: ur right. what a monster i am

[13:11:28] AceRavi: But you won't return her feelings

[13:11:50] jaehwany0406: at least there's no risk of me cheating on her

[13:11:57] jaehwany0406: doesn't that make up for it at least a little bit

[13:12:08] AceRavi: And what about Sandeul?

[13:12:14] jaehwany0406: what about him

[13:12:19] AceRavi: I thought you guys were friends

[13:12:32] jaehwany0406: that's a bit of a strong word for what we are

[13:12:39] jaehwany0406: and what am i supposed to do?

[13:12:43] jaehwany0406: love is a battlefield

[13:12:51] AceRavi: I'll give you that.

[13:13:04] AceRavi: So you're going to ask her out?

[13:13:12] jaehwany0406: yeah

[13:13:15] jaehwany0406: i think so

[13:13:19] jaehwany0406: is that wrong?

[13:13:31] AceRavi: I think it's the wrong way around it

[13:13:39] AceRavi: I think it's mad, but it's your life

[13:13:51] jaehwany0406: i don't have a choice

[13:13:57] AceRavi: You keep saying that...

[13:14:05] jaehwany0406: u don't understand how true it is

[13:14:16] jaehwany0406: every day that i walk in the door and i don't have a girl with me

[13:14:23] jaehwany0406: every time they ask me if i'm not seeing anyone yet

[13:14:28] jaehwany0406: i know what they're thinking

[13:14:37] jaehwany0406: i know they're counting down the days until they'll have to make reality of their threats

[13:14:49] jaehwany0406: and i just feel the pressure to.. prove them wrong as fast as i can

[13:14:53] jaehwany0406: it's exhausting

[13:14:58] jaehwany0406: i need to do this now

[13:15:09] AceRavi: You're right. I don't know what that's like

[13:15:14] AceRavi: But Jaehwan

[13:15:21] AceRavi: You're not proving them wrong. You're tricking them

[13:15:27] AceRavi: It's not the same thing

[13:15:51] jaehwany0406: both will earn me a roof over my head and a place to stay

[13:15:57] jaehwany0406: so it's all the same to me

[13:16:11] AceRavi: You'd always have a place to stay

[13:16:18] AceRavi: You don't think I'd let you live on the streets, do you?

[13:16:29] jaehwany0406: yeah.. i'm sure ur dad would love a permanent visitor

[13:16:37] AceRavi: Maybe if it was for your sake, I would finally have the motivation to leave

[13:16:48] jaehwany0406: i've asked u more than once to leave

[13:16:51] jaehwany0406: for my sake

[13:17:04] AceRavi: Yeah well I can't do it alone

[13:17:19] jaehwany0406: u said the other day u wanted to see me

[13:17:25] AceRavi: Yes

[13:17:34] jaehwany0406: what would we do?

[13:17:52] AceRavi: We've both already established that there's nothing in this city

[13:18:08] AceRavi: And well... we'd stay as far away from any playgrounds as possible

[13:18:30] AceRavi: We'd find a secluded place where we could both draw

[13:18:34] AceRavi: So that I'll finally get to see your work

[13:18:41] jaehwany0406: sounds good to me

[13:18:52] AceRavi: Honestly? I imagine we'd leave

[13:18:56] AceRavi: For somewhere more...

[13:19:03] jaehwany0406: more what?

[13:19:15] AceRavi: … Elsewhere.

[13:19:31] jaehwany0406: would we come back?

[13:19:38] AceRavi: We wouldn't want to

[13:19:42] AceRavi: That's all I know

[13:20:39] jaehwany0406: i wish life was that simple

[13:20:46] AceRavi: It could be

[13:24:04] AceRavi: Are you ok?

[13:26:30] jaehwany0406: i shouldn't be thinking of this stuff when i'm hungover

[13:26:37] jaehwany0406: u know how everything seems sadder the day after?

[13:26:48] AceRavi: I'm sorry.

[13:27:22] jaehwany0406: i want to see u

[13:27:30] AceRavi: So come

[13:27:44] jaehwany0406: i can't

[13:27:50] AceRavi: Why not?

[13:28:01] jaehwany0406: because of kyungri

[13:28:07] jaehwany0406: no, because of my parents

[13:28:15] jaehwany0406: or because of u.. idk

[13:28:21] AceRavi: What do you mean?

[13:29:11] jaehwany0406: nothing. forget it

[13:29:18] AceRavi: Jaehwan

[13:29:36] jaehwany0406: i'm sorry i don't want to talk about this now

[13:29:55] AceRavi: Okay..

[13:30:49] jaehwany0406: i just want something to feel safe for once in my life

[13:31:01] jaehwany0406: and ur the only one who i've told this much about myself since hongbin

[13:31:13] AceRavi: I get it.

[13:31:52] jaehwany0406: i'm gonna go

[13:31:59] jaehwany0406: i need to lie in bed all day and pretend i'm asleep

[13:32:21] AceRavi: Alright, yeah

[13:32:24] AceRavi: Do that

[13:32:27] AceRavi: Feel better

[13:32:37] jaehwany0406: thanks

[13:32:39] jaehwany0406: talk later

[13:32:45] AceRavi: Yeah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

”Wonshik.”

The voice reaches him from the hallway downstairs. Wonshik has to fight the temptation to give a resounding ”no” in response, and rises from his chair. ”Yeah?”

”In my office. Now.”

The words are curt, but they're uncommitted rather than cold, so Wonshik refrains from worrying too much. He leaves his computer behind and walks through the darkness down the stairs, into the brightly lit first floor. His father's office is built from bad memories, lit by pained yelps and painted in nosebleeds and bruises. Of course, it doesn't compare to how many beatings Wonshik has received in his own room, but the office remains the base, the home where all things wrong with his life originates. When Wonshik walks in, his father is sitting behind his desk, expectant look on his face.

”Yes?” Wonshik says, having long since learned it's better to speak than to be quiet.

”My colleagues are visiting tomorrow night,” his father tells him. His hands are linked on his lap, and he seems to be in a rather good mood. ”I need you to be elsewhere.”

”Okay,” Wonshik agrees, repressing a sigh. This is not the time to compromise or whine. That time will never come. ”What time?”

”I expect us to be busy between 7pm and 2am.”

Wonshik widens his eyes. ”What do you want me to do until 2am?”

Raising an eyebrow, rather amused, his father shakes his head. ”Hell if I know what kids these days do out all night. That's not my problem. Don't you have friends to see?”

Wonshik clenches his jaw. His father knows all too well that he doesn't, because he never goes out. A side effect of being homeschooled all his life – at least that's what Wonshik likes to believe. ”Can I at least have some money so I can go to the internet café?”

His father watches him as he considers it. Behind him, the apple of his eye, the gun he got himself for _self defence_ glares at Wonshik through the cabinet. The sight of it made Wonshik tremble with worry as a child, but nowadays it gives him a strange sense of security. Perhaps, if his father had enough of his so called antics one day and decided to put a bullet in his head, it wouldn't be the worst thing. Or if Wonshik himself was ever pushed off the edge far enough to kill his own father. Or himself. Either way, it would be a way out of a stagnant life that has remained the same fog of hopelessness for as long as Wonshik can remember.

”Alright,” his father decides. ”I'll give it to you on the day.” So that Wonshik, ever the delinquent, doesn't accidentally spend them and end up happy for a single moment. Naturally.

”Okay. Thank you.”

His father nods, an indication that it's okay for him to leave. Wonshik throws a last glance at the gun, unmoving and surely dusty, before he walks out of the room. He doesn't know how he will keep himself busy for seven hours out of his home, but the thankfulness over getting out of seeing his father with his colleagues makes up for it.

And, as in every other situation in his life, his thoughts go to Jaehwan, who can't do a single thing to help him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's late on Saturday evening when Jaehwan manages to get out of bed. All day he has been repeating Wonshik's advice back and forth in his mind, thought about Kyungri and the way she makes him feel like all hope for a normal life is not lost, and tried to make up his mind. He hasn't forgotten what Wonshik said, but somehow his conviction that this is wrong for Jaehwan only strengthens his belief that it's right. Because, as much as it kills Jaehwan to admit it, Wonshik represents everything he isn't supposed to want in life.

Therefore, when he finally drags himself out of bed, it is to find Kyungri and talk to her.

 

 

He does, on a primary school yard. It turns out a few of the people he partied with last night are at it again, already. Including Kyungri, Kyungsoo, Hani – and Sandeul.

”You guys, this is bordering on alcoholism,” he says as he walks up to them. They're playing a game of what seems to be truth or dare in the sand, but most of them seem too exhausted to even sit up.

Sandeul's expression brightens as he spots him. ”You should join us,” he calls, and Kyungri, who sits beside him, turns to see what he's looking at. When she faces Jaehwan, the smile that's already on her face changes from politeness to warmth. Jaehwan thinks they already have much more in common than either of them are aware of.

”Nah,” Jaehwan declines. ”After last night, I'm in the kind of 'I will never drink again' phase that will last me at least a couple of days.”

Several of the others laugh, while Sandeul mumbles something that sounds like ”When has that ever stopped you before?” Jaehwan ignores it.

Instead, Kyungri speaks up. ”So if you're not here to have fun, what brings you to our neck of the woods?”

Jaehwan smiles at her. ”Actually, I'm here to talk to you.”

Kyungri stares up at him through wide eyes. ”Me?”

”Yes.” He ignores the feeling of Sandeul's heavy eyes in his side. ”Do you have a minute?”

”Of course,” Kyungri replies, immediately getting up and brushing the sand off her legs. Jaehwan puts a hand on her back, leading her away from the group, which has fallen suspiciously quiet at their departure. He supposes nothing is a secret in a group that spends as much time together as they do – unless, of course, you're Jaehwan.

She stumbles a little as they walk. Seeing it as time is nearing 11pm, he supposes he can't blame her for being so drunk; he'd probably be three times as smashed himself by now. Even so, this is not the kind of thing he wants to talk about when the person in question is drunk. Then again, maybe it'll make things easier. ”You alright there?” he asks, hand pressing harder into her back to help steady her.

”Yeah. I'm fine. Just a lot of blood in my beer system.”

Jaehwan laughs and leads her over to a swing set, supporting her to gently sit down on a swing. ”You're being careful, right?” he asks. ”I mean, I don't know all the guys here well enough to know that they're all good people.”

”Yeah, it's okay,” she says, gripping at the chains on either side of her. ”I mean, when I realized you weren't coming, I thought I shouldn't drink so much, but then I thought... Kyungsoo is here. I trust that he wouldn't let anything happen to me.” She shakes her head. ”Brother's duty, and all.”

Jaehwan nods, throwing a glance towards the group. Kyungsoo isn't exactly the biggest, buffest of all the guys he's met, but he can't deny he would _not_ want to make him angry. He turns back to Kyungri, who is watching him curiously. ”So, if I had been here, you would have looked to me to protect you?”

Her eyes widen for a moment, and she looks away. ”Oh, no, I mean...” she mumbles, some color rising on her cheeks. Jaehwan grins, but then she seems to find herself and looks back into his eyes. ”Wouldn't you?”

Jaehwan steps in closer, so that their legs are touching from the knee down. He loves her self-confidence, and for the first time he feels bad for the lie he's about to tell. ”Kyungri,” he says, regardless.

”Jaehwan,” she says back.

He takes a hold of the chains, mere centimeters above her hands. ”I like you. Would you like to go out with me sometime?”

Kyungri throws her head back, a blinding smile breaking out on her lips. ”Finally. Do you know how long I've been dying to hear you say that?”

Jaehwan gives a soft laugh. ”Is that a yes?”

She smiles at him, playful and embarrassed. ”Don't make me kick you.”

”Okay,” Jaehwan laughs. ”When?”

”When?”

”When can I see you?”

She purses her lips. ”Tomorrow? Or is that too desperate?”

”Tomorrow,” Jaehwan repeats breathlessly. This is better than he could have ever expected. ”I'm free tomorrow. And I'm all here for desperation.”

”Perfect,” she says, fighting to keep from smiling even wider. It doesn't work.

”Alright,” says Jaehwan, staring down at her in daze. From the way her eyes drop down to his lips every now and again, he can tell she wishes he would kiss her. Jaehwan has no wish to meet her request, and he supposes he can blame it on how they haven't even had their first date yet. ”Don't drink too much,” he says to keep his mouth busy. ”I don't know about you, but my ideal first date does not involve me holding my date's hair back while she vomits.”

Kyungri laughs. ”Neither does mine,” she says, and the tension drops. ”Especially not if I'm the one doing the vomiting.” Jaehwan joins in on her laughter, and he backs away, allowing her to stand up from the swing. ”Are you leaving?”

”Yeah,” Jaehwan confirms. ”I have to get ready for the big day. Don't want to show up looking like a panda. Plus, I'm pretty sure the others want you back.”

Kyungri looks nervous, but appears to accept the explanation. ”Okay. Should I pick you up tomorrow?”

”Please,” Jaehwan says, smiling to cover up his embarrassment over not having a driver's license yet. She does have a two year advantage over him, though. ”Say around... 2?”

”Sure thing,” she says, smiling again. Jaehwan wants to tell her it's okay to be disappointed, but he holds it in. ”See you then.”

”Yeah,” he says, walking away. ”Take care of yourself. And have fun.”

”You too,” she says, remaining where she stands as he watches him leave.

The truth is that Jaehwan is okay with talking to her, but he can't stand the way she looks at him like she's already lusting for him. Not today, not tonight. He needs time to prepare for that. So, technically, his excuse to leave is not a complete lie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One hour following his departure, he receives a call from Sandeul. At first, he considers not picking up, as he is still uneasy from his conversation with Kyungri, but in the end he gives in to the guilt.

”Hello?”

” _Jaehwan, man,_ ” comes Sandeul's voice, slurred and beyond intoxicated. He must have worked hard since Jaehwan left, he thinks, chuckling a little.

”Hey, Sandeul.”

” _I just had to call... and tell you.._.” He garbles and splutters something incoherent that Jaehwan can't make out.

”What? I can't understand you,” he says, laughing. ”How much did you drink?”

” _Why did it have to be Kyungri, man_?” Sandeul drones. ” _Why her_?”

”Uh,” says Jaehwan.

” _I've wanted her for so long, I'm... I'm so.._.” He mumbles again, and Jaehwan knows he won't be conscious for much longer.

”Dude, I can't hear what you're saying,” he says, cold from guilt. ”Call me in the morning, okay? And drink lots of water.”

” _So lucky,_ ” Sandeul mumbles, too far gone to listen. ” _So lucky. Don't take her away from..._ ”

”Talk to you tomorrow, Sandeul.”

With that, Jaehwan hangs up, and files the conversation away under things to never think about again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[00:32:01] jaehwany0406: hey

[00:43:27] AceRavi: Oh, sorry, I was drawing

[00:43:29] AceRavi: Hi

[00:43:36] jaehwany0406: oh, did u finish it?

[00:43:50] AceRavi: Yeah

[00:43:56] jaehwany0406: can i see?

[00:44:13] AceRavi: In a while. I can't take a good pic right now

[00:44:34] jaehwany0406: doesn't have to be a good pic

[00:44:42] AceRavi: Pff. Yes, it does

[00:44:50] AceRavi: What are you up to?

[00:45:12] jaehwany0406: nothing really

[00:45:15] jaehwany0406: just got back

[00:45:27] AceRavi: From? The playground? lol

[00:45:36] jaehwany0406: i wish i could say no, but

[00:45:39] jaehwany0406: the school yard

[00:45:45] AceRavi: Ah

[00:45:51] AceRavi: Was Kyungri there?

[00:46:03] jaehwany0406: yeah

[00:46:08] AceRavi: Did you ask her?

[00:46:16] jaehwany0406: yup

[00:46:23] AceRavi: And?

[00:46:34] jaehwany0406: she said yes

[00:46:38] jaehwany0406: we're going out tomorrow

[00:46:55] AceRavi: Oh

[00:47:25] jaehwany0406: u know what?

[00:47:37] jaehwany0406: i like that you don't pretend to be happy for me

[00:47:46] AceRavi: Ha

[00:47:53] AceRavi: It's the least I can do.

[00:47:58] jaehwany0406: right

[00:48:14] AceRavi: I'm kind of worried though

[00:48:21] jaehwany0406: about?

[00:48:29] AceRavi: You and Kyungri

[00:48:34] AceRavi: Don't you think she'll notice?

[00:48:42] jaehwany0406: notice what

[00:48:48] jaehwany0406: if u say 'that ur gay' then ur mean

[00:49:00] AceRavi: That you don't feel the same about her

[00:49:06] AceRavi: I mean, haven't you ever felt like that?

[00:49:15] AceRavi: When you've been with someone you really adore, but you feel like... you like them more than they like you?

[00:49:35] jaehwany0406: no, i don't think i've ever experienced that

[00:49:41] jaehwany0406: i don't really think like that

[00:50:03] AceRavi: Hm. That kind of explains a lot

[00:50:10] jaehwany0406: what do u mean?

[00:50:24] AceRavi: I mean, it explains why you'd be willing to put her through that

[00:50:28] AceRavi: It's a horrible feeling

[00:50:39] jaehwany0406: she won't notice

[00:50:47] jaehwany0406: i'll take her to meet my parents and she'll see how proud i am of her

[00:51:06] AceRavi: Yeah, that's all good, but what about the stuff that happens when you guys are alone?

[00:51:13] AceRavi: You know, the actual relationship

[00:51:41] jaehwany0406: i'll manage

[00:51:50] AceRavi: Like I said, it's your life.

[00:51:57] AceRavi: I don't want to nag or annoy you

[00:52:02] AceRavi: But... I wish you'd reconsider

[00:52:14] jaehwany0406: wonshik i can't

[00:52:18] jaehwany0406: i'll learn to love her

[00:52:32] AceRavi: No, you won't

[00:52:34] AceRavi: And you know that

[00:52:49] jaehwany0406: why can't i fucking lie to u?

[00:53:00] AceRavi: What?

[00:53:26] jaehwany0406: the lies i tell everyone else

[00:53:30] jaehwany0406: even the things i lie to myself about

[00:53:33] jaehwany0406: u keep calling me out on it

[00:53:37] jaehwany0406: it drives me mad

[00:53:51] AceRavi: I'd apologize but I'm not sorry

[00:54:06] jaehwany0406: u should be

[00:54:12] jaehwany0406: my whole life is built on lies

[00:54:32] jaehwany0406: do u know how hard it is to live like that when someone keeps demanding the truth out of u

[00:54:41] AceRavi: Doesn't that tell you something?

[00:54:50] AceRavi: You should be living YOUR life, not the life your parents want

[00:55:03] jaehwany0406: oh it's not what my parents 'want'

[00:55:07] jaehwany0406: it's what they demand

[00:55:10] jaehwany0406: it's this life or no life

[00:55:21] AceRavi: I don't want you to lose yourself

[00:55:45] jaehwany0406: do u want to know the truth?

[00:55:50] AceRavi: Yeah?

[00:56:52] jaehwany0406: the truth is that the only person who sees me as i am

[00:56:58] jaehwany0406: the only person who knows me

[00:57:00] jaehwany0406: is you

[00:57:14] jaehwany0406: and the only thing that does is make me depend on u

[00:57:15] jaehwany0406: which sucks

[00:57:21] jaehwany0406: because we're never going to be together

[00:57:26] jaehwany0406: in any sense of the word

[00:57:37] jaehwany0406: and i get so angry at u for thinking it's so easy, and for making it seem so simple

[00:57:40] jaehwany0406: it's not

[00:57:47] jaehwany0406: it's hard as hell and i can't do it, i can't be me

[00:57:59] jaehwany0406: i wish you'd stop seeing through me

[00:58:36] AceRavi: If you want to be with me, then come

[00:58:41] AceRavi: I'm right here

[00:58:57] AceRavi: You have some money

[00:59:05] AceRavi: And yeah I know you're saving up for your driver's license

[00:59:09] AceRavi: But we're not exactly worlds apart

[00:59:44] jaehwany0406: yes we are

[00:59:48] jaehwany0406: maybe not physically

[00:59:57] jaehwany0406: but u live in some world where u can do whatever u want

[01:00:08] jaehwany0406: which, for one thing, i don't understand cause ur dad would beat the shit out of u if he found out

[01:00:17] jaehwany0406: and u just don't seem to care

[01:00:26] jaehwany0406: that's a completely different world from mine

[01:00:39] jaehwany0406: where i live, i don't even dare to have any close male friends in fear of what my parents would think

[01:00:51] AceRavi: Then you have to stop allowing that to be your world

[01:01:16] jaehwany0406: how am i supposed to do that

[01:01:22] jaehwany0406: i didn't exactly ask for this

[01:01:35] AceRavi: You're agreeing to their terms

[01:01:42] jaehwany0406: yeah cause the option is being thrown out on the street

[01:01:50] jaehwany0406: compared to that, a few lies doesn't seem so bad

[01:02:13] AceRavi: Okay.

[01:02:19] jaehwany0406: okay?

[01:02:24] AceRavi: I get it

[01:02:31] AceRavi: I'm sorry if I made it seem like I think it's your fault

[01:02:43] jaehwany0406: it's ok

[01:02:52] jaehwany0406: i mean i understand ur pov but it just doesn't work like that for me

[01:03:41] AceRavi: What you said up there, ”we're never going to be together”

[01:03:56] jaehwany0406: yeah?

[01:04:05] AceRavi: What does that mean?

[01:04:27] jaehwany0406: well like i said we can't even see each other

[01:04:38] AceRavi: No, I know, but... Would you want to be with me?

[01:04:41] AceRavi: If things were different

[01:04:52] AceRavi: I mean... do you feel that way about me?

[01:05:23] jaehwany0406: haven't i embarrassed myself enough for 1 day

[01:05:29] AceRavi: Jaehwan

[01:05:54] jaehwany0406: i don't want to talk about it

[01:06:02] jaehwany0406: given the circumstances, this is what i want

[01:06:11] jaehwany0406: i want us to keep talking, and i want to keep being addicted to u

[01:06:20] jaehwany0406: all the while knowing that i can't have u

[01:06:33] jaehwany0406: until u one day find someone who can give u what u deserve

[01:06:39] jaehwany0406: and on that day it'll feel like the world is ending

[01:06:42] jaehwany0406: for me

[01:06:50] jaehwany0406: that's all i want

[01:06:56] jaehwany0406: i want to be what we are now

[01:10:14] jaehwany0406: i'm sorry?

[01:10:24] AceRavi: No, I'm sorry

[01:10:29] AceRavi: I'm just trying to find the right thing to say

[01:10:41] jaehwany0406: it's ok

[01:10:53] jaehwany0406: i guess it was stupid of me to think u might feel that way

[01:10:55] jaehwany0406: anyway

[01:11:00] jaehwany0406: so let's just forget it.. if u can

[01:11:14] AceRavi: Do you want to see the drawing I've been working on for the past three weeks?

[01:11:43] jaehwany0406: yeah

[01:11:46] AceRavi _sends IMG_0476_

[01:11:50] AceRavi: There.

[01:12:38] jaehwany0406: is this just me being crazy

[01:12:45] jaehwany0406: or does the person u drew look a lot like me?

[01:12:51] jaehwany0406: or well

[01:12:59] jaehwany0406: the photo version of me

[01:13:07] AceRavi: There's a difference?

[01:13:11] jaehwany0406: yeah

[01:13:20] jaehwany0406: real life me is alive and stuff, u know

[01:13:26] AceRavi: Right

[01:13:38] AceRavi: Didn't really have a real life model to go around

[01:13:46] AceRavi: But yeah, he does look a lot like you, doesn't he

[01:13:58] jaehwany0406: so is it me?

[01:14:05] AceRavi: Of course it is

[01:14:44] jaehwany0406: and this is ur way of saying..

[01:14:45] jaehwany0406: what?

[01:15:03] AceRavi: That I spend my days, practically my entire life, waiting for you to come online

[01:15:16] AceRavi: I know there's a lot I don't know about you since we've never met in real life

[01:15:29] AceRavi: But the things I do know about you... I can't stop thinking about

[01:15:34] AceRavi: So, there.

[01:16:54] AceRavi: Jaehwan?

[01:17:25] jaehwany0406: i'm sorry i just don't know what to say

[01:17:48] AceRavi: It's okay

[01:17:50] AceRavi: I guess

[01:18:17] jaehwany0406: i mean i.. already go to bed every night imagining that ur there lying next to me

[01:18:21] jaehwany0406: and i hate that

[01:18:28] jaehwany0406: so i don't know what to do with this

[01:18:52] AceRavi: Would it make you reconsider the whole ”we could never be together” thing?

[01:19:56] jaehwany0406: i'm sorry

[01:19:59] jaehwany0406: but no

[01:20:03] jaehwany0406: nothing could

[01:21:31] AceRavi: Okay.

[01:21:46] jaehwany0406: i really am sorry, wonshik

[01:21:58] AceRavi: It's okay, don't sweat it

[01:22:26] jaehwany0406: god everything would be so much easier if i was there so i could prove to u how sorry i am

[01:22:59] AceRavi: But you're not

[01:23:03] AceRavi: So it's no use

[01:23:21] jaehwany0406: yeah..

[01:25:48] AceRavi: I think I'm just gonna go to bed

[01:25:55] AceRavi: We can talk tomorrow

[01:26:17] jaehwany0406: but

[01:26:28] AceRavi: It's not that I'm mad at you

[01:26:35] AceRavi: I just have to clear my head a little

[01:26:52] jaehwany0406: okay..

[01:27:06] AceRavi: Plus, if my dad hears I'm still up he'll flip.

[01:27:14] AceRavi: Not that he's usually awake at this hour, but still

[01:27:19] jaehwany0406: oh

[01:27:20] jaehwany0406: okay

[01:27:25] jaehwany0406: u should go then

[01:27:40] AceRavi: Yeah. Sleep well when you do

[01:27:49] AceRavi: And, I don't know... Good luck on your date

[01:27:56] AceRavi: Hope you score (?)

[01:28:08] jaehwany0406: ...everything is so messed up

[01:28:13] jaehwany0406: and that's not funny

[01:28:22] AceRavi: I know.

[01:28:27] AceRavi: Goodnight, Jaehwan

[01:28:34] jaehwany0406: night

[01:28:39] jaehwany0406: have good dreams

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As far as dates with people of the wrong gender go,Jaehwan's first date with Kyungri is very close to amazing. They find out both of them have a love for burning money on stupid things, so they spend the day at the mall, browsing through stupid accessories and laughing at ugly clothing. They also find out that neither of them find fast food to be very unromantic, so they stop by a McDonald's, laughing and playing all through their meal. It's a great time, and Jaehwan thinks he would be genuinely happy (the trembling of his hands when he thinks of Wonshik aside) if it wasn't for the knowledge that Kyungri expects something _more_. He loves being with Kyungri, but he doesn't want to kiss her, touch her, do anything more than give friendly hugs. And it seems he didn't give himself enough time to prepare for her lustful looks, because he still can't imagine returning the gaze. He hopes it's acceptable for a guy to think it's too fast to kiss on the first date.

 

 

That's why he tenses up when he finds himself with a lapful of Kyungri and her lips against his. They're in her car, supposed to be on the way to drop Jaehwan off at home, both of them now in the passenger seat, the car engine silent. Her hands are in his hair as he kisses him hard, and he kisses back because he understands it's the only appropriate response. He can't make his hands move the way he wants them to, not with the way Wonshik keeps repeating in his mind, _she'll know, she'll know_ , and he knows she will. There's no way he could ever match the ferocity with which she kisses him, the way her body rolls against his and causes him to tense up even further, and soon he feels the anxiety wash over him.

It seems the whole car is heating up, except for Jaehwan. His mind drifts back to when he used to love somebody – _really_ love somebody – and it was never like this. Kissing him made Jaehwan's quiet down and his body warm up, not the other way around. Not like this.

Kyungri finally pulls back, and Jaehwan holds his breath, scared, as he has no idea what to say if she asks him about his disinterest. ”Backseat?” she suggests, hands tugging at the collar of his shirt. Her hair is messy and her eyes shift over Jaehwan's face, begging, pleading, and all of a sudden Jaehwan feels nauseous. Yesterday Kyungri said she had been waiting for him to ask her out for a long time, and she wants this so much, he realizes. She feels how stiff Jaehwan's hands are against her skin, understands how his blood will never boil for her like her blood boils for him, and here she is now, on his lap, begging him to prove to her that it's not true.

In truth, the two of them are similar in their denial.

”I can't,” he breathes, unable to look at her.

”Why?” she says, hands on either sides of his face. ”What's wrong? Am I moving too fast?”

He looks into her eyes, sees his perfect opening, the free chance for him to keep lying. By the sound of it, this intelligent, sweet, kind girl would understand him if he needed more time before they got physical with each other – but how much time would be enough for him, exactly? When is he ever going to feel okay with touching her with the same fire she offers him?

”Kyungri... I'm sorry,” he says, forces the tears back with all his might. She looks scared for a moment or two, and then she climbs off him and gets back in the driver's seat.

”What is it?”

He bites his lip, swollen now from her passionate kisses. She deserves to know. His parents forbade him to ever speak a word of it again, but Kyungri isn't exactly like most people.

”Jaehwan,” she says, stealing his attention. ”Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

”I'm,” he tries, throat dry. ”I'm not... into girls.”

She stares at him. ”Not... into girls?”

Jaehwan shakes his head. ”I like guys.”

Kyungri keeps staring at him, frowning, for another few seconds before she turns away, looking straight out the window. ”Okay,” she says. ”Explain something to me, though, because I don't really understand. Why did you ask me out if you're gay?”

”It's– it's hard to explain.”

”Well, try,” she says, and though she doesn't say it, Jaehwan knows even she's aware that she deserves the truth. So he sighs, closing his eyes and turning his body slightly towards her.

”I... It's my parents. I'm sorry, this is going to sound so selfish– I mean, it is. It is selfish. I'm sorry.”

Kyungri shakes her head. ”Tell me.”

”I used to have a boyfriend,” Jaehwan explains. ”This guy named Hongbin, in the town I used to live in before I moved here. We... We did great for about ten months, all in secret of course.”

”Okay?”

”But my parents found out. They're very... traditional people, you see. They told me they were disappointed in me, but said they believe in second chances. Basically, they decided not to punish me, but to give me one more chances to live the way they want me to.” He throws her a look, and she's watching him intently, brows furrowed. ”I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend. And I'm not allowed to tell anyone that I like guys. If I do, if I ever speak a word of it to my parents again, they will throw me out without a second thought.”

”You can't be serious,” Kyungri says after a few moments of silence. Jaehwan nods.

”Very serious. I said they chose not to punish me, right? Maybe not by their measures. But when we moved here, they took me away from Hongbin.”

”Couldn't you two keep in contact?” Kyungri asks. ”Like a long-distance thing?”

Jaehwan shakes his head. ”We haven't talked since.”

Kyungri nods, pity clear in her eyes. ”Whose choice was that?”

”Mine.”

”Why?”

Jaehwan shrugs, laughing unhappily. ”I was scared. And I still am.” They look at each other. ”And that's why I asked you out. I really like you, Kyungri. As a friend.” She looks away. ”In fact, I like you more than anyone I've met since I moved here. I thought I could make myself... I really did. But I can't.”

”You shouldn't have to,” Kyungri replies, her voice quiet. ”I mean, I want to be your girlfriend so much. I've dreamt of it for so long, but... I don't want it if you have to force yourself.”

Jaehwan's heart aches, threatens to fall to pieces. ”You must be so pissed at me for doing this to you.”

Kyungri gives a tilted smile. ”I'll admit, I was ready to kick you in the nuts there for a second,” she says, and Jaehwan's hand reflexively moves to his crotch. ”But life has handed you the most terrible conditions. I can't be mad at that.”

”I'm still sorry, though,” Jaehwan says, tears filling his eyes as relief settles in his body. Kyungri doesn't hate him, but pities him. While it doesn't feel right or very flattering, it's much more than he deserves. ”I'm sorry that I even thought about tricking you.”

Kyungri's hand reaches for his and holds it tightly. ”Thanks.” No 'it's okay' or anything of the sort. It isn't, Jaehwan supposes. Hopefully it will be.

”I'd hate it if we couldn't be friends after this,” Jaehwan tries. ”Do you think there's a way?”

”Of course,” Kyungri replies. ”I don't want to lose you. Today was such a great day, wasn't it?”

”It was!” Jaehwan agrees. ”I had a great time.”

”Me too.”

”So... Are we okay as just friends?”

Kyungri smiles at him. ”What's so 'just' about friendship?”

Jaehwan purses his lips. ”Is that a yes?”

”Okay, I really might kick you,” she laughs. ”Of course it's a yes. I'm thankful as long as I get to have you in my life, you know?” she shrugs, which then transforms into a shiver. ”I'm glad I'm not Hongbin.”

Jaehwan squeezes her hand in his.

”If you want, we could go to my place and talk this through,” she offers, then leans in a little closer. ”I promise not to take advantage.”

Jaehwan laughs again, blinking away tears of gratitude. ”Sounds amazing.”

”Okay,” says Kyungri and takes her hand out of Jaehwan's grip to fasten her seatbelt.

They don't talk much on the drive to her house. She looks calm and collected, but Jaehwan knows she must be in terrible pain because of him. He feels undeserving of her kindness – him being heartbroken doesn't justify him doing the same to her – but he will nevertheless accept it. Kyungri makes him feel safe, and that's all he wants.

When they arrive at their house, Kyungri remains where she's sitting for a while. Jaehwan stays beside her, sensing he shouldn't question her silence.

”I may not want to know the answer to this,” she says in the end, ”but is there a guy in your life?”

He ignores the part of him that immediately rushes to cover up the truth. ”Yeah. There's someone. But we'll never be together, so I'm trying to make my peace with that.”

She nods, tears now in her eyes, too. ”You and me both.”

He leans over and captures her in his embrace, and they remain like this while silent tears seep into his shirt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[21:38:04] AceRavi: Hey

[21:40:26] AceRavi: Are you there?

[21:45:01] jaehwany0406: i'm at kyungri's

[21:45:16] jaehwany0406: this app sucks holy crap

[21:45:34] jaehwany0406: we can talk when i get home ok?

[21:46:02] AceRavi: Yeah okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday night, almost 2am. Wonshik has been out of his father's house for closer to eight hours, and it's almost time to go home. Finally. He went to the internet café with his father's money at around 8pm, but as Jaehwan was busy with his date, there wasn't much for him to do there. He stayed for hours either way, if only just to have somewhere to be. Jaehwan replied for a moment, only to tell him they could talk when he got home, but time passed midnight and Jaehwan was nowhere to be seen. Of course, that could only mean one thing: Jaehwan was getting laid. And that meant Wonshik couldn't form a single thought without hurting.

At 12:30 am, Woshik had finally accepted it and dragged himself out of the café. Instead he wandered around the city alone, trying to keep his mind straight and his body awake as he rounded corner after corner, followed street after street to nowhere. He's still walking now, now that it's so late and he has to blink furiously to keep his eyes open. Nothing can take his mind off Jaehwan and his Kyungri – he doesn't know what Kyungri looks like, but in his mind she's thin and tall and huge-chested, and why any of that matters at all, he has no idea. Jaehwan isn't into girls, after all. But he can't help it. Wonshik is the one Jaehwan has feelings for, yet he would never treat him like he treats Kyungri.

Then again, Jaehwan probably wouldn't ever trick him like he's tricking Kyungri, either. He thinks, maybe with Jaehwan, being treated well is not something to strive towards. Harsh truth is the best thing to hope for, because that's the only genuine thing Jaehwan has to offer.

He turns around and starts walking back where he came from. It's almost 2 now, and at this rate he'll arrive at home around 2:20; just enough time to be sure his father's colleagues have all left. He considers for a moment if he should turn on his computer when he gets home to check for Jaehwan, but decides against it.

He needs to face facts; Jaehwan won't stop hurting him, involuntary as it may be.

That means Wonshik has to pull away, somehow.

 

 

 

He reaches home a little later than he anticipated, too tired to stand up straight. He drags himself up on the porch, already imagining the soft, cool sheets of his bed, and his mind yells for sleep, tired from walking several laps around the city. The last of his energy is spent on walking up the steps to his door, and when he reaches it, it is locked.

Wonshik stares at the door handle. He doesn't have a key to his own home, simply because he rarely left. It had seemed reasonable that his father would just leave the door unlocked for him, but here he is, locked out in the cool summer night. Should he knock on the door? Wake his father up? Every time Wonshik has woken his father up in the past, he has ended up with a black eye and/or bruised limbs, so his hand hesitates as it hands in the air, ready to knock. Is it worth risking his father's rage, or should he simply find somewhere else to sleep? Is there even such a place? The only person he can imagine running to is Jaehwan, and he is much too far away. Also, most likely sound asleep in Kyungri's bed.

The thought of Jaehwan tangled up in Kyungri's arms is the final straw. He walks down the steps, along the porch, lets his back his the wall and sinks down on the wooden floor. He doesn't have the energy to find anywhere else to go, so he might as well sleep right here. It's the only reasonable option for his sleep-deprived brain, even though it's going to get cold, even though mosquitoes will surely find him.

He cushions his head with his hands as he sinks down on the floor completely. Despite everything, he is alseep within ten minutes.

 

 

 

 

[01:02:58] jaehwany0406: i'm home

[01:08:33] jaehwany0406: hello?

 

 

 

Wonshik was torn out of sleep in the early hours of the morning by violent hand on the collar of his jacket. Before he has regained consciousness fully, he's been lifted onto his feet, and when he opens his eyes he is met with his father's furious face. His father drags him to the front door, opens it and pushes him inside without mercy for his tired limbs. ”Go to your room,” he hisses, and Wonshik doesn't have time to react before the door slams shut in his face.

Dazed, he hurries over to the stairs and runs up to his room. There'll be hell to pay later, he knows that much, even if he doesn't understand why. He will; his father will explain it to him by the means of his fists. But in this moment, he is too tired and cold to pay that any mind. He needs more sleep, and his back aches. So he climbs into his bed without bothering to change out of his clothes, shivering and trembling as life returns to his body.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[11:16:45] jaehwany0406: wonshik?

[11:19:04] jaehwany0406: are u ignoring me?

[11:23:22] jaehwany0406: i'm sorry i wasn't here last night

[11:23:34] jaehwany0406: nothing happened with kyungri, we just talked

[11:23:47] jaehwany0406: hm that kinda makes me laugh

[11:23:56] jaehwany0406: like i'm trying to assure u i wasn't cheating or something

[11:24:04] jaehwany0406: the weird thing is i kinda feel like i did

[11:24:05] jaehwany0406: too

[11:24:14] jaehwany0406: even though nothing happened

[11:24:21] jaehwany0406: and we're not even a couple

[11:24:34] jaehwany0406: weird, huh?

[11:24:40] jaehwany0406: i hope ur not mad

[11:24:44] jaehwany0406: i'm sorry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaehwan starts his Monday morning by going for a walk. He wakes up earlier than he should thanks to his anxious, racing heart, still trying to process yesterday's events. So first thing after breakfast, he takes a walk around the neighborhood, earbuds secure in his ears, drowning his senses in music. It calms him, and the change of pace allows him to sort out his thoughts somewhat.

What he concludes is this: Kyungri is an angel, sent from above. He knows because even though Jaehwan can't reciprocate her feelings, she still offered to help him. Halfway through the night she came up with the idea to be Jaehwan's pretend girlfriend; a role she'll take on only for his parents, when she comes to visit. The thought of introducing his ”girlfriend” to his parents without any additional pressure makes him breathe sigh after sigh of relief and thank the heavens for Kyungri. He wishes he could be that good of a person, too, not the kind that takes advantage of others' affection for him.

But who knows, one day, maybe he will be. As Jaehwan walks back home, he thinks that if it wasn't for the nagging feeling that Wonshik is angry with him, it does feel like things are starting to look up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The second time Wonshik gets a rude awakening that day, he comes to his senses a little quicker. The first punch still lands in his face before he has had a chance to realize what is happening, however, and he falls back into his bed before he realizes he was ever lifted out of it.

”What in the name of hell were you doing sleeping on the porch like some filthy beggar?” his father seethes, hands clutching his shoulders.

Wonshik's hands are over his face, holding his aching cheek and feeling his lip split open to give way for blood. ”What's it to you?” he groans. ”What does it matter if I slept out there? The door was locked.”

”Some of my colleagues ended up having a little too much to drink and spent the night. How do you think I felt when I walked out this morning when I walked them out and had to explain to them that the pathetic excuse for a human out there was my own _son_?”

Wonshik forces his eyes open and faces his father. The older is angrier than he has seen him for a long time, and it makes his stomach tighten in fear.

”Come here,” his father bites out before dragging him out of bed and throwing him onto the floor. Wonshik cowers, arms over his head, waiting for the next blow. It doesn't come, but instead he's pulled to his feet again and yanked out into the hallway, towards the staircase. He's pushed down the first steps and he stumbles, breath in his throat, before he manages to catch his balance again. He runs the rest of the way before the man behind him has a chance to push him again, but doesn't dare to breathe a sigh of relief when he reaches the ground floor.

”My office. Now.”

Good, Wonshik thinks, because it's already the room he hates the most in this house. Of course there are no more rooms left to ruin with memories like these; they all echo his cries of pain back to him before he even opens his mouth. He hurries into the office and stands with his back towards the desk, waiting, staring his father in the face while his heart pounds away in his chest. This is what it's like to be alive he thinks, when you wish you wouldn't be.

He's grabbed by the collar of his shirt once more, and thrown against the bookcase by the wall. The impact knocks the breath out of him and sends books scattering around him. Before he can block it, another punch lands in his face and he falls down to his knees, features contorted in pain. A firm kick to his thigh has him bending over, and he sees stars already.

”What was I supposed to do?” he asks, despite knowing he should never talk back.

”I thought you would understand that I needed you to stay away for the night, but no.” He leans down, pushing Wonshik against the floor until he's lying on his back, left hand clutching at the front of his shirt. He's thrown back against the floor hard with each punch, and he tries to stop struggling as that will make his father go easy on him, but he can't help it; he squirms, tries to pry the fingers loose from his clothing, shields his face with his hands, and he can tell the older man grows increasingly displeased with him.

All of a sudden he's free; the other's hands leave his body and step away from him, leaving him panting on the floor. Wonshik turns over on his stomach, feeling blood down his face in a slow stream, and watches his father as he goes. He thinks he's been spared for now, thinks his father has decided to go easy on him just this once, but then he realizes where he's going.

The cabinet.

The doors creak as he pulls them open – he doesn't often need anything from this special cabinet – and then he freezes, one hand on the door, watching Wonshik over his shoulder.

”Are you going to do it?” Wonshik asks, voice hoarse. Tears are pouring from his eyes, too, he realizes, mixing with the blood. The question is half-hearted, because he has already asked himself that question and received an answer: Would his father kill him? Wonshik thinks he wouldn't be opposed to getting rid of his son, but would he care for the added hassle of getting rid of his body and keeping his name clean?

He almost laughs. Here he is, a healthy seventeen year old boy referring to himself as just a _body._ A corpse.

His father pulls the doors open all the way. Wonshik knows that this is it; somebody's life is going to change, and someone else's life is going to end. It's ironic, he thinks, and wishes death was more certain. The only guarantee in life is death, yet there are so many unanswered questions regarding just that. What will happen once he is gone? Or after his father is gone? A ghostly second dimension? A next life? Hell? Heaven?

Does he truly want to send his father to heaven?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No more than a street from where he lives, Jaehwan runs into Sandeul. He's on his way home from his walk, and he's surprised to see the other boy there; he can't imagine what he'd want from this part of the city except for to see Jaehwan. He's in a good, calm mood, still, so he greets him brightly.

”Hey,” Sandeul says back, a bit more reserved, as they walk up to each other on the sidewalk.

”What are you doing here?” Jaehwan asks, busying himself with shoving his earbuds into his pocket.

”I came to see you, actually,” Sandeul confirms. ”I went to your place but they said you weren't there, so.”

”Yeah. I took a walk.” He gestures towards the road he came from. ”What's up?”

”I wanted to talk to you,” says Sandeul, ”about Kyungri.”

Jaehwan goes cold at the words. ”What about Kyungri?”

”She told me,” says Sandeul, eyes void of emotion. ”She told me everything. She was crying, saying the guy of her dreams ditched her because he's a homo, or something like that.”

Jaehwan can't move, though he doesn't want to acknowledge the truth in his words, he knows it is no use. Sandeul can't possibly know this if Kyungri hasn't told him, so it's not use.

”So it's true,” Sandeul says when Jaehwan can't bring himself to respond.

”What if it is?” Jaehwan says, acting confident. Pretending is his forte, after all, but Sandeul doesn't seem to buy it.

”You know,” Sandeul laughs, ”it's kind of funny. That she was so head over heels for you for so long, and that I hated you so much for taking her from me.”

”I didn't take anything from you,” Jaehwan tries. ”If she doesn't feel that way about you, it has nothing to do with me.”

”Bull,” Sandeul replies, and then he's laughing again. ”It has everything to do with you.” Jaehwan's mouth is too dry to respond, so he stands there, staring back at the other boy while trying his hardest to seem unaffected. ”Anyway,” Sandeul says after a few moments. ”I wanted to talk to you about the whole thing, but... You weren't home, so I... thought it'd be best if I discussed it with your parents instead.”

The ground falls away beneath Jaehwan's feet. ”W-what did you do?”

The other gives him a smile full of mock sympathy and tilts his head. ”Only what they needed to know. You should probably go and talk to them.”

Jaehwan finds himself having to fight for breath. ”You have no idea... what you just did.”

”Oh, I know,” Sandeul argues. ”Kyungri told me about that part, too. Oh! And the part about your internet boyfriend. I tell you, your parents thought that part was _very_ interesting.”

Not sparing him another glance, Jaehwan steps around him and walks away. If he's going to lose everything he has, he'd rather do it now than have it wait until later. The thoughts chase each other around his brain; it doesn't seem possible that Kyungri would betray him like that. Did she call him up as soon as Jaehwan left last night, laughing and giggling as they planned this? Could that be true, after the things they shared the night before?

”Good luck,” Sandeul yells after him, and Jaehwan pretends like he doesn't exist.

 

 

 

 

At home, his mother greets him in the hallway before he's even had a chance to remove his shoes. Her face is red and blotchy, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that she's been crying.

”Hey,” Jaehwan says.

”Hi,” says his mother. ”Your friend was here.”

He nods. ”I know.”

”He told us–”

”I know.”

They look at each other. Jaehwan sends one last prayer to the skies, that maybe things have changed since that time all those years ago, that her heart is a little more open nowadays. He wouldn't know, because has barely dared to spend any time around her for years.

”I don't want to fight about this again,” she says, shaking her head.

Jaehwan sighs. ”Me neither.”

More silence. The house is as quiet as they are. Jaehwan is glad that his father and brothers are nowhere to be seen. ”You're old enough to take care of yourself,” says his mother, and her voice sounds thick with tears.

”Yeah,” he replies. ”Old enough to take care of myself without any money.”

She glares at him. ”Send me your address once you've settled down somewhere,” she says, and Jaehwan's heart sinks as he takes in the words, ”and I'll give you some money. But that's it. That's the last I'm going to do for a son that doesn't respect me even after I've fed him, raised him and kept him safe for eighteen years.”

Jaehwan scoffs. ”Safe,” he repeats, disbelieving.

”Yes, safe. You've had so much in your life, but you–”

”You said you didn't want to fight,” he says, cutting her off.

Her lips tense into a thin line as she falls quiet. ”You have fifteen minutes to gather your things,” she says, tone too calm and out of place. Jaehwan doesn't spare another second, but races past her and sprints up the stairs for the last time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[14:16:03] jaehwany0406: wonshik

[14:16:08] jaehwany0406: for the love of god please tell me you're here

[14:16:10] jaehwany0406: please

[14:16:20] AceRavi: I'm here

[14:16:24] jaehwany0406: thank god

[14:16:26] jaehwany0406: listen

[14:16:34] jaehwany0406: i understand if you're angry at me but something's come up

[14:16:42] jaehwany0406: i told kyungri about you, she told sandeul, and sandeul told my parents

[14:16:47] jaehwany0406: they're throwing me out

[14:16:54] jaehwany0406: i only have 15 min

[14:16:59] jaehwany0406: can i come see you?

[14:17:07] AceRavi: That's.. not a good idea

[14:17:17] AceRavi: How long would it take you to get to the train station?

[14:17:29] jaehwany0406: uhm idk like 30 min once i get on a bus

[14:17:32] jaehwany0406: why?

[14:17:39] AceRavi: Okay

[14:17:46] AceRavi: It's a 40 minute walk from my house

[14:17:51] AceRavi: How about we meet there in an hour?

[14:17:58] AceRavi: In front of the arrivals board

[14:18:10] jaehwany0406: which one

[14:18:17] AceRavi: The big one in the waiting hall

[14:18:34] jaehwany0406: okay

[14:18:48] jaehwany0406: are we leaving? idk about this i just

[14:18:55] jaehwany0406: i don't know what to do wonshik

[14:19:16] AceRavi: Listen, I know you've never even heard my voice in real life, but try to trust me this time

[14:19:24] AceRavi: Everything will be okay

[14:19:31] AceRavi: We will figure something out together, okay?

[14:19:52] jaehwany0406: okay

[14:19:58] jaehwany0406: ok yeah i'll be there

[14:20:05] jaehwany0406: then i have to go i have to pack some stuff i have no time

[14:20:13] AceRavi: See you soon

[14:20:21] jaehwany0406: okay

[14:20:23] jaehwany0406: yeah

[14:20:24] jaehwany0406: soon

[14:20:25] jaehwany0406: bye

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Wonshik walks into the waiting hall, he sees him immediately. Standing below the arrivals board, head tilted upwards, a large backpack pulling his shoulder downwards, there's Jaehwan. He's so small, Wonshik thinks; skinny and slim but tall. There are a lot of other people in the waiting hall, and despite only ever having seen him in photos, Wonshik is sure that it is him.

He pulls at his sleeve, nervous to meet the only person he has ever felt something for in his entire life. The sleeve slides down over his hand, but it is pointless, for the blood he wants to hide has long since been washed away. He still looks like hell, with bruises and cuts enough to attract people's attention, but he doesn't care. The only person he cares about is Jaehwan, and he will know the cause of his injuries. That doesn't bother him.

All Jaehwan wants is safety, he thinks as he walks up to him. He considers, for a moment, what Wonshik himself wants, or needs. It's a difficult question, and he's not sure how to respond to it. For one thing, he never wanted to do what he did. He never wanted things to _that_ far, and he fears for himself, for his life, for whatever higher being that might be watching, judging, deciding his fate.

He can make up for what he's done. He knows he can. With Jaehwan, who only wants somebody to take care of him, to keep him safe, he can make up for it.

He stands next to the other boy, looking up at the board above them. Jaehwan doesn't acknowledge him, but remains where he's standing, eyes fixed upwards. Wonshik slides his hand into his, entwining their fingers. Jaehwan's thumb brushes across his; their first 'hello'.

”I hate this town,” Jaehwan says after a long moment of silence.

Wonshik makes a noise of confirmation in the back of his throat. ”Tell me about it.”

They stand together, staring at the board as if they're both waiting for a special arrival. As if it hasn't already come.

”So let's leave,” Wonshik says then, breaking them both out of their trance and turning towards the older boy.

Jaehwan nods at him, smiling with fresh tears glistening in his eyes. ”Let's leave.”

That's how they walk together, hand in hand, out to the tracks, to catch the next best train that will take them somewhere more... elsewhere.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I swear, I don't hate Sandeul. Someone always gets thrown under the bus in my fics and I'm sorry.   
> Also, I believe Kyungri only told him because she needed someone to comfort her after Jaehwan rejected her. She's not a bad person.


End file.
